Get me off this stage


Every once in a while my sensei makes us teach - to explain a waza, to refine a point, etcetera. I loathe this. I don't mind teaching or explaining, but only to one person at a time. I don't like talking in front of groups, even if it's groups of people I have no trouble communicating with otherwise.

I do not like being the centre of that kind of scrutiny or attention.

I've tried to figure out how or when this started. I can't source it, though I do know some of the reasons I continue to have the problem. I'm not going to share them; they're too embarassing. I might have no fear of discussing some personal matters openly, but even I have my limits. Increased frequency has never made it easier. I barrel through it without looking anyone in the face, getting to the end of it all as fast I can so it can be over with. It's always been that way, with anything I've had to do in front of others.

Someone once suggested - in respect of singing in public - that I put on another guise, be someone else so I could get through the performance. I can't. I am who I am. I am, as I just said to someone else, no good at pretence. Faking it doesn't change the fact that I'm still the focus of attention. I'd be a lousy actor, because I'm no good at pretence. It's also been suggested that I deal with it the same way I deal with explaining my art to people. Here's the thing, though - I don't. I will tell people how I made things, what process I used, but I leave it up to the audience to find a meaning.



2018 05 17 - 15:01

, ,
art, iaido, personal