Headcase Study
2001 12 03 | journal
Over the years, Lonita has become a rather sedentary substance. However, you should remain wary at all times. Lonita may go off at any moment. There is no readily discernible source of Lonita, so be warned that you may encounter amounts of her when you least expect them.
Lonita should not be stored in, or near, the following materials: tea, chocolate, Coca Cola, any electronics equipment, any collections of books or music, crayons, paint, any other creative tools, junk shops, dollar stores, craft stores, Lego, coloured glass, garlic bread with cheese, or anything purple in colour. Storage near these items may result in mysterious disappearance or unwarranted use of the aforementioned items. However, immediate use of any of these items is encouraged should you have need of emergency mollification devices.
Lonita may be, despite negative reports from some researchers, very beneficial in the following areas: gossip storage, colour testing, website layout, concert going, tea cosy, as a conversation piece, hat rack, draught beer storage device, and in the disciplines of armchair psychology and philosophy.
Lonita may become over-active and volatile if allowed to come in contact with the following items: over-angsty self-indulgent wankers, patronising holier-than-thous, hypocrites, persons of an exceedingly wilfully stupid nature, the colour pink, fanatics, breakfast cereals, the vulgar and crude, attitude in place of the substantive, persons who have not grasped the concept of shut-the-fuck-up,
It is not yet widely known what the cure for Lonita is; though some theorise that such mundane substances as hugs, love, money, and more creative activity, might decrease chances of Lonita becoming toxic to herself and others. It is highly recommended that, should you come in contact with any amount of Lonita, you immediately confine yourself to the nearest pub and attempt to have a very jolly outing indeed. You must, however, bring Lonita along, or there is no hope for recovery. If there is no pub available, it is highly recommended that you engage Lonita in some persuit that keeps her mind active. Doses of the films Lawrence Of Arabia, The Breakfast Club, and episodes of Cadfael and Doctor Who, and the music of James, Pink Floyd, or Beethoven's Ode To Joy may be used in emergency, should you have no other mollification devices available.
Lonita may harden to neutronium proportions if left alone and unsupervised for lengthy periods of time. It is suggested that you carry any implement suitable for the cracking of tough nuts at all times, on the off chance that you may come in contact with any amount of super-hardened Lonita.
There is a high incidence of bad puns, inappropriate humour, and a great deal of cursing, where any amount of Lonita is concerned. Please handle with caution.
Studies continue in regards to Lonita. If you have further information to add, you may submit it for consideration.