Decadia
2007 12 31
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Ten years ago tonight, I moved into this apartment.
My grandfather had just passed away the month before, a good friend was lost to me when he changed so radically we didn't recognise the man he'd become, and I had just broken up with someone.
In the past decade, I've been to England and Cuba, been spayed, seen U2 and Bowie, gone to Montreal, driven a racecar, studied Tai Chi, met some of the best people I'll ever know, stood with my feet on either side of the Prime Meridian, touched a standing stone, discovered a love of photography, fucked up, triumphed, loved, hated, made enemies and acquaintances, called someone halfway around the world just to sing Star Trek opera at them, finally figured out how to explain my spiritual beliefs to others, quit smoking, and finally gotten back on the road to finishing my education.
I am not the person I thought I'd be, nor the person I wish I was. But, despite this, I couldn't imagine - nor would I want to - being someone else. If I'd lived in another place with other people, I wouldn't have the things I have now. Perhaps I'd be better, perhaps not, but I wouldn't be me.
I don't make resolutions at this time of year, they never seem to pan out. One can make a fresh start any day of the year. Maybe I can promise myself to find an enjoyable vice to take the place of having quit smoking a couple of years back; and, hopefully, I'll finally find a job.
I remember sitting on the living room floor amongst half-emptied boxes and stacks left still to unpack, alone in my new home on the coldest night of the year, and turning on the television to hear an orchestra and choral group performing the Ode to Joy. I thought, then, that maybe it was a sign of some kind, or perhaps it was just a little piece of heaven after so many painful things. That piece of music still has the power to move me, to raise me out of almost any doldrum. This is the first portion:
O Freunde, nicht diese To"ne!
(Oh friends, not these tones!)
Sondern lasst uns angenehmer
(Let us raise our voices in more)
anstimmen, und freudenvoller!
(pleasing and more joyful sounds!)