Dedication
2016 12 01
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At the end of class, my sensei will sometimes ask if we have comments. Most of the time, odd as it may seem, I don't. A lot of what goes on for me there, is stuff I can't articulate, or don't want to, and I don't want to waste anyone's time filling the air with something simply for the sake of doing so. The dojo is a very private place for me in an odd sort of way for a public room, so sometimes talking about it would be like inviting a stranger into my home to rifle through my underwear drawer. It's exposure, and sometimes I just don't want to be exposed.
Wednesday, though, I did talk - about how I feel about the whole idea of being there, especially after Saturday's grading; about why I thought I might hit a plateau and stop.
I did not grow up with the idea of dedication. My grandparents were not driven people, and I did not discover much of a passion for anything outside books until I was an adult. That passion was art. Then, years later, after volunteering and working and all the things that life throws at you in one way or another, I discovered Iaido - and now, I cannot imagine my life without it. Sometimes I feel about my sword the way I feel about the paintbrush - I think, "Why hasn't this been in my hand my entire life?"
Even less than being dedicated, am I comfortable with talking about feelings related to such matters, at least not without very careful curation of the audience. I am always, even at my age, worried that I'll make a fraud of myself. I know myself very well in some ways, but in others I am… well, it's more like I never feel comfortable in my own skin. I do not feel like "me". In contrast to that, I am oddly willing to talk about absolutely anything - from the colour of my underwear, to my fallopian surgical procedure, to the name of my imaginary friend when I was five.
My sensei said, after I was done speaking, that it becomes a way of life. On that point he is absolutely right. There is something going on, and one of these days I might figure out exactly what that going on is.